Clown for a day

"A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. Man burst into tears and says , But Doctor...I am Pagliacci."

Full Circle and a rant

Warning: the following is a rant about ideas and realizations I have made over the past year. It will get boring and sappy so be forewarned. 

I have been officially published in a magazine. I was paid for my services as a writer and I couldn't be anymore proud of myself for accomplishing that. It's my first step into the competitive world of journalism. 

But there are a few things on my mind. For one, I don't have my family or anyone else really for that matter to share my accomplishment with. 

I told my friends about it, but they're not as enthusiastic about it as I am or as I hoped for them to be. I realize that I have alienated myself from people at school because of my personality and to a certain extent my behavior. Even though I should be on cloud nine because not only did I land my first paying job, but I'm also contributing to another local publication, the school news paper and three blogs (including my own) all while still trying to keep up with my math and psychology class. 

I'm always behind on something and I'm always busy doing something, yet, I still feel like crap. I'm grateful for the opportunities coming my way and for the friends who have helped me get to this point, but deep down I just feel alone and left out. I don't have anyone to talk to or share my thoughts with because I'm just too abstract and unorthodox with my ideas.  

My behavior maybe to some extent me wanting attention, but obviously it's the wrong kind of attention because others don't take me seriously or respect me anymore. I could careless what someone thinks about me, but those who have those opinions of me are the ones passing me up and leaving me behind because they know how to follow orders and obey the teacher without question. 

Anyway, the thing that bugs me is again this solitude that I either impose on myself or it just happens that way. I don't feel comfortable at my friends house because I have no personal space of my own. For the last year I've been sleeping on the floor, which I don't mind. Its just that when I get to the house from school or work I can't do anything. I can't even sit on the couch because my friend has his stuff on it or watch tv because he's playing video games on it. I know this is all his stuff, but after a year of that on a daily basis, I've had enough. 

I would rather get back to the house late or g walk my dog because I don't want to deal with their trifle idiotic antics. I just want a space of my own to be able to do what I want when I want. Hell, one of the biggest reasons I'm part of the school news paper is because I get to have a computer all to myself with a cubicle. That space becomes my life because I'm just wondering around everywhere. 

I can handle and deal with this instability, but sometimes it's just too much and like all my other problems, I just don't want to deal with them like I should. Of course I could just quit school and work full time, but that's not the answer to anything. I just wish that it wasn't so hard for me to make ends meat and to survive, but then again, I have a much better quality of life than other people in other places. 

But this is where it gets interesting. You see back in March 24, 07, I set out on the current path I'm in right now. In that month I made my choice to leave the nest egg and to try to make it own my own here in L.A. after my parents moved to another state. I can back to make something of myself, to continue my schooling and to take care of my Harley. 

However, I'll never forget what happened on that faithful day. On that day, I did work son. I got word that Cheech Marin was going to have his chicano art collection on display at the Pico House in Olvera St. I also found out about another show happening the same night titled "because i can't be beethoven." The show was a performance art piece in which a frozen piano was going to be destroyed and demolished in one evening. 

Well here's the funny part that trips me out, at the cheech show, two things ended up happening. I was exposed to one of the greatest art movements I have ever seen. What I saw in those paintings, I lived through and it hit home. I was star struck by the imagery. While at the exhibit, a woman came up to me and inquired about my skateboard. She gave me her card and told me she was with the firm that represented Cheech and his collection. I told her I was a journalism student and she even offered to try to get me an interview with Cheech, sadly I never did anything about and forgot about it. 

After the Cheech show, I made my way to the piano smashing and had a blast just kicking back watching one man take out his frustrations out on a piano with a blow torch. It was a nigh I would never forget not just because of what I experienced, but because it set me up for the future. That initial show and one other show featuring Mike the Poet pt me on the track that I'm in now. I began to attend art gallery openings on a weekly basis, learning new things and expanding my world. 

I've never stopped going to galleries and now I even write about them, the art and the people behind them. But here's the clincher. Going in a full circle, my first published story was made in part with the help of a friend mentioning my name to the magazine publisher. We talked and I agreed to write for his magazine. Turns out that the lady I met at the Cheech show in 07 was the one I had to contact in order to get the contact info for the person I needed to interview.

 Crazy shit huh ? I still can't believe how that happened, why it happened or why me. I'm just thankful that God gave me that opportunity not once, but twice. I still can't believe that I set up my life to be what it is now by just doing what I do best, meeting new people, enjoying some great art and skating around L.A. It's a small world after all. 

Bohemian

Remember George ? I met up with him again when I had to go to court and testify against the mocoso who tried to rob me. He spent his 18 birthday in jail. The case is done. It was kinda sad because the District Attorney defending him didn't put up any kind of argument. I described what happened and that was it. To think that this kid getting put away was just another case on another regular day. While we were waiting, George and I discussed everything from how we ended up there to our personal lives. That's when he described my life style as "Bohemian."

I looked it up and this is what I found. It's weird how it REALLY does describe me....

Bohemian is defined in The American College Dictionary as "a person with artistic or intellectual tendencies, who lives and acts with no regard for conventional rules of behavior."
"The term 'Bohemian' has come to be very commonly accepted in our day as the description of a certain kind of literary gypsy, no matter in what language he/she speaks, or what city he/she inhabits .... A Bohemian is simply an artist or littérateur who, consciously or unconsciously, secedes from conventionality in life and in art." (Westminster Review, 1862)

Change

President elect Barrack Obama has been asking citizens for suggestions..."Start right now. Share your vision for what America can be, where President-Elect Obama should lead this country. Where should we start together?" I myself took the time to write about the importance of Obama signing the Federal Dream Act. I encourage anyone reading my blog to please go to his site and do the same. This maybe one of the biggest and most impactful things that the next President can do.  

Finding myself in comics

There's this depression I go through every so often when things just keep getting bad no matter how optimistic I maybe. It's really a landslide affect that just gets bigger and more power as it keeps going. Like always, it starts out with one thing and then after a while you become engulfed in a horrible mess. For me it really started when the "Governator" didn't feel like signing SB 1301, institutional financial aide. From there things just started getting worse at every turn. I won't bore you with personal details, but yeah...life sucks sometimes. Every time a bill goes down in flames I question my efforts. Why should I continue doing what if it's all going to be for nothing right ? WRONG. As much as I want to give up sometimes, I know I can't. I have come to realize, which follows the depression period, that there is a possibility that all of the work me and other people do might not benefit us, but the next generation after us. That possibility doesn't seem so farfetched when I'm thinking about how the world is right now. I also have the habit of enthralling myself in deep and philosophical thoughts making for some interesting conversations and ideas in my head. This is where comic books come in to the fray.
Comic books are an instrumental part of my life, americanization and in some cases the teachers and guides I never had in real life. I love everything about comic books. It's characters, the mythology, the science behind it, the art work, writing EVERYTHING. Comic books will never be fully appreciate for their true value and in someways I'm glad that will never happen because they'll remain a hidden secrete to those who do love reading them and collecting them. Besides, comics are a reflection of the kind of society we live,, kinda in the sense of life imitating art or art imitating life, I'll let you decide. Without going to deeply, wrap your noggin around these ideas and realizations I have made: Superman is an "illegal alien" who was sent to earth because his home planet died. He grew up on a farm and became the embodiment of what the United States stands for, truth justice and the American way, kinda like Captain America but that's a whole different story.  When Stan Lee created the X-Men, he surveyed current events and based the X-Men on the civil rights movements. 

The X-Men are hated, feared and despised collectively by humanity for no other reason than that they are mutants. So what we have here, intended or not, is a book that is about racism, bigotry and prejudice. ~ Uncanny X-Men writer Chris Claremont, 1981

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure the link between the X-Men and the immigration debate/war currently going on in the U.S. I feel like my life should be a comic book sometimes because of all the drama and shit I go through. Of course anyones life could make a great comic, it's just that not everyone is able to articulate themselves in that fashion or be open about their lives. I relate a lot with these characters and stories on deep personal levels because that's just good damn writing, but out of all of them, Peter Parker A.K.A Spider Man is the one I relate to the most. 

When I stop and compare the duality of our lives and what we go through, Parker and I have a lot of things in common. 

Going to college while juggling a job and saving the world, except for instead of saving the world I devote that part of my life to writing for blogs, my school paper and anyone else that ask me to write for them. The stuff that I relate with him the most is the personal stuff, how he thinks, his sense of humor and his attitude about life. I make bad jokes all the time, I worry about my friends and family, I struggle with the morality of doing the things I do and a bunch of other things that again, I won't go into too much detail. When I need inspiration, I look to comics and God for inspiration. I never really had a mentor or someone to talk to, but like Parker I was lucky to have people in my life influence me. Like him, I denied my responsibilities and indulged in selfish acts, but sooner or later things went back to the way they were. 

Another way I find inspiration and hope is through my fellow Dreamers who know what it's like. Dream Act Texas posted this and I just happen to read it on one of the "bad days." 

1. Be responsible (To yourself, to your family, to your community, to our world)

2. Be respected, be respectful (Respect yourself, Demand that others respect you. Respect others.)

3. Be honest (Leaders don't make excuses, they make improvements)

4. Be loyal (Stand alongside those who have the least)

To discipline your Revolutionary State of Mind:

5. Work (Everyday, everywhere)

6. Study (To study is a revolutionary duty)

7. Character over reputation (Character is who you are when no one else is looking. Reputation is who other people say you are)

8. Believe (Doubters never win, revolutionaries never doubt)

To build a successful revolution:

9. Be self-critical (No revolution is complete without a culture of self-improvement. There is no culture of self-improvement without a culture of self-reflection)

10. Acknowledge the knowledge (Teach and be teachable)

11. Build with allies, Influence the enemy (Execute the 5 phases: identify, analyze, plan, implement, evaluate)

12. Be relentless (Never, ever give up)

Work, work, work...

Been really busy with school. So I figured I'd post something that always cheers me up. Hope it cheers you up too....