Thursday, September 29, 2016

Doing Too Much At Once

You ever over extend yourself? You know, you commit yourself to do different things for different folks? Hell, some of y'all might be working more than one part-time job on top of volunteering in another space. For what seems to be the 3rd or 4th time this year, I have overextended myself to the point of it affecting the quality of my work and fucking me up personally. I get stressed the hell out and start losing track of things. I eat poorly and on the go whenever I can get to it. I spend more time commuting from one place to another because I'm on public transportation. I get home exhausted with more work waiting for me, but at that point, all I wanna do is turn off my brain, take a shower, and catch up on my stories. Instead, I find myself wrapping up work and preparing for the next day. Any other day, I would actually be excited everything that is going on, but as of late, it's just getting to the point where I'm questioning what I'm doing and my different commitments. For the better part, those extra commitments turn into side gigs that supplement my income since I work two part-time jobs. Then I have other days in which I'm going from meeting to meeting to meeting planning for more meetings for an event that is a month away. All that sitting is making my back hurt. I find myself eating at my desk while watching youtube videos for my lunch break. Then all the planning and meetings pay off. The event is successful, goals were met, everyone had a good time. I had a good time, I met some great folks, and I made some extra cash.

Then it all starts over again, which is where I currently find myself. Again. I question why I said yes to what I'm doing and just push myself forward to get it done. I don't have a problem saying no, but I also don't like turning down opportunities where I can be a ham, get some work done, and get reach new folks on the numerous issues that I work on. But the fact of the matter is that I've overextended myself to the point of letting it affect all of my different responsibilities. It affects me physically and mentally because I'm just drained all the time, mentally more than anything. It just gets to a point where I'm running on automatic and not really thinking and planning further ahead. I just go one from thing to another. But see, that's the other thing, if I said no and took on fewer responsibilities, what would I do with my extra time other than being a couch potato? I don't like that feeling of wasting time unless I'm reading, watching movies, playing video games or turning off my brain and just enjoying myself.

I love being in so many different spaces and wearing different hats, it's who I am. "A jack of all trades is a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one." Part of the reason I feel as drained as I do is because of a lot of these extra responsibilities continue pushing me to grow. I'm the connector between all these different spaces, which is something I have being doing since I came to this country and became the only English speaker in my home. I nerd out in being able to talk shop in a multitude of different interest and connecting with others who are on the same tip. The intersectionalities of being able to connect something like Pokemon to a movie like Colors. Wachu know about team Rocket?

Then there's that part of me that feels I have to everything I can because I can. Because I'm that woke that not acting in a positive way would be a waste of my being and a disservice to everyone who has ever spotted me a meal, a place to sleep, money etc. That guilt is real and everyone deals with it in their own way, but that's why we have alcohol to balance things out. I'll take an old-fashioned please. On the real though, it just bums me out when I get overwhelmed and stressed because I know I'm fucking up and letting folks down. I try and put in more time to try and make up for lost time, but I'm just tired and ready to go to sleepy by 9pm because I gotta wake up at 7am to do it all over again. Sigh, at the end of the day, I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm young, abled bodied, and lucky to be in the spaces I'm and working with the folks that I know. I just need to improve my time management skills, eat right, buy a car cause I'm done with public transportation, and keep putting in work. I just gotta dig that much deeper to find ganas.