Thursday, February 10, 2011

Never could have been worse

So, yeah ... things things seem to keep getting worse every time I think they're just about to get better. The not having a job things because I don't wanna suck metaphorical cock for a living is still the same. Most people have a hard enough time finding one, let alone someone who doesn't even legally exist in this country. Thus, with no money means that everything else in my life suffers. I can't pay my cell bill for the time being so I'm assed out. Two weeks before the 50 mile bike ride that is going to have more than 70 people riding. People calling and texting me back and forth about logistics and coordinating workshops and such. Seems when I need it the most, I end up loosing it.

Then there's school. Hmm I signed up and got into 2 outta the 3 classes I need, but hey wadda'ya know. I don't have $$ for the text books or for the classes themselves, so I'ma have to end up dropping outta school for this semester. And here I am, so close to finally being able to transfer to either Cal State North Ridge or USC. Course it doesn't really matter because I didn't even have enough $$ to send in the applications, so it all works out in the end right ? Needless to say this also applies to dating, which is impossible at this point. But it ends up working out again because I don't think I'm in the right frame to pursue anything with anyone. Home life is getting pretty dismal every day as well. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear someone was trying to test me or tell me something.

Whatever it is, I'm not getting the point or the lesson. Reading books, writing research papers and being politically conscious have pretty much fucked my life over. Gone are the days of ignorance is bliss. Now, not a day goes by in which some new fucked up realization comes to my mind that makes me wish that I wasn't around to see that kind of stuff anymore. Can't talk to anyone about this kinda stuff because they have their own life drama going on and I'm the designated listener. I help my friends make sense of their stuff and lie to them that everything will be fine and will work out. Since I'm the odd man out, writing here will suffice as always.

I'm gonna drop outta school and find a job somewhere doing something that will kill my spirit everyday I'm there. I'm gonna continue to do that for the rest of my life because I'm beginning to throw everything away. I'm tired of people's flowery words and I'm just plain fed up with being miserable. I don't blame anyone but myself for it. It's always easier to blame the world for the choices I made in life. That's how people justify suicide and other irrational actions like that. I don't think I've been this confused, angry, depressed, sad and lonely in my entire life. I have some of the best friends in the world and I'm constantly surrounded by people who are doing amazing things, but it doesn't matter in the end. At the end of the day it's just me and my thoughts. Blah, blah, blah blah ...


Anonymous said...

If you were where you belong, you could attend uni for free; you could attend the frikin UNAM for nothing! It's your parents fault you aren't, not the fault of the country where you suck anyway...illegally. The majority of poor uneducated Mexicans don't come here because they can't progress in Mexico, more often than not it's just plain greed with a big dose of lazy.

loveandhatela said...

i think the anonymous people posting negativity and hate

need to get laid
or at least masturbate

and yeah it sucks that you got no work and no money and it is even worse when you are undocumented.

question why the- "I don't wanna suck metaphorical cock for a living"
why not flip it to the other side and "not want to kiss ass"

keep your sense of humor
just yesterday i got told off by a homeless person while in downtown LA just because i wouldnt give him some money
the kicker was that he didnt want loose change-coins but actual paper bills- he even said- "i prefer a $5 spot"

some ideas for work-

*do you collect aluminum cans?

*have you tried to get a gig as a bus boy at a restaurant get paid under the table - dishwasher etc?

* or go to a church like a catholic one- arent they a safe haven..still? and see if they will give you pay for some handy man- janitorial or maintenance work?

*also hit up your dad for some cash- dont be too proud...en serio.

having to struggle i think makes a person more appreciative.

i would give you some cash but i got to watch my bottom line right now
i got a surprise this month when i saw my landline bill (yes im one of the few with one still)

and there was a long distance charge for like $45 bucks..... i thought it was a mistake but it was one of my stupid friends who i let make a "quick call" back in late december.

Anonymous said...

Dude, I know exactly how you feel. If you need to vent, drop me a comment and we can get talking. I understand, I'm right there with you. And it is good to vent sometimes to someone who is in the same boat.


Anonymous said...

Keep writing. I have learned that emotions are inherent in our nature and that releasing them one way or another is the healthiest thing you can do with them. I have also learned that if you don't release them they will cross over and bring your whole body down (not just your heart or mind).

It might not help with the no job, no school, illegal thing... but at least you won't be depressed AND physically ill.

I have a cousin who is illegal and graduated from UCR last summer. He also is just waiting around to see if the DREAM act passes. We were talking one day and I could tell that he was feeling pretty down because of the failed DA last year.

I threw out a crazy idea about him going back to Mexico. At first he completely rejected the idea and was kinda pissed at me for even suggesting such a thing. I had to keep on talking to him and let him understand where I was coming from. I wasn't talking about a self deportation surrender type of thing.

I was talking about the possibilities that were available to him and keeping it positive (He was feeling down, as I mentioned earlier). I asked him if he had ever considered not living in the US? Had he ever considered working internationally. Living somewhere else. I praised him for achieving his college degree (mechanical engineering) from and American university. I asked him to imagine himself living in Switzerland...Spain...Australia... Italy....or Canada.

Surprisingly enough he told me that he had never thought about it.

I told him to think about it, let it marinade inside his head for a while. In the situation that he is in, I hate seeing him sad and depressed all the time. I suggested that there is a big world out there, that the US is not the world. I told him that I would love to have a cousin that lived in Australia, or Switzerland, that I could go visit every year. He like that idea too.

Of course I was surprised that such a thought had never crossed his mind. I told him that the US and mexico are not the ONLY places in this world. Of course taking the first step to being able to legally immigrate to any other country would require leaving this country. It is something he still has to get used to.

For his sake I hope he goes back to Mexico (American educated), legally immigrates to somewhere beautiful, starts a brand new after college life, where I can visit him at least once a year. I like that ending better.

As opposed to him living miserably, in a place where he is unable to breathe a full breath, or sleep soundly, because of circumstances out of his control.

I tell you this just to let you know that you are not the only one going through this, as you already know. But this is such a big world, and you feel like you are trapped by borders. Know this though, IF you ever get out of these borders, and see that there is life on the other side, you will breathe deeper and will probably look back and laugh at yourself for being so scared. for nothing.

SJD said...

Why don't you set up a Paypal account for people to donate to? I read a ton of blogs (mostly based in Mexico and Central America) of people who are doing their own thing to make the world a better place and often need money - many of them have PayPal accounts set up on their sites for readers to donate to if they so wish. I would certainly do it if one was set up. Anyway, it is just a thought ... hope you are doing better :)

SJD said...

Here is the link on how to set up the "donate" button. You should really do it. People like me would donate.