Friday, May 10, 2013

The demarcation of my values

Being positive is the hardest thing I consciously work on. Constantly. There are moments in which it feels like in pulling fingernails with pliers. To consciously be positive, both for others, and myself is tremendously strenuous. The incredible ease in which I can just hate, critic, and mock with the utmost disdain is indeed a conscious struggle. I like to think I’ve made some progress in how I handle situations, but it’s not enough. I still catch myself slipping here and there.

My intentions are not to silence or censor myself, but to be more critical and productive with this internal need to speak my mind, call out bullshit and have my own voice be heard in conversations. But even that in itself is incredibly selfish. This want to have a dominant voice, be acknowledged and valued as a source of wisdom and resources is something that I’ve been getting rid of because it turns into a gluttonous craving.

Hard to say how and why I’m like this now, and it’s not important right now. Not being able to see these qualities within myself has lead to questionable decisions on my part that ripple through friends and circles. My current priority is to stop them here and now. If I can do that, I can take the time I need to look back on how I got like this and start changing things from within.

No way will I ever force myself to fake being happy for someone I could careless about, but that doesn’t give me an excuse to be vindictive either. I can be genuinely happy for close friends and family when good things happen to and for them, but not to people who are at best, frequent acquaintances. The fluidity of relationships, like water, takes the shape of the container. The container will change and the water will take a new shape, but it’ll still be water at the end of the day. Unless that water is frozen and/or turned into a gas, then it takes on a whole new meaning from there. Now I'm just rambling.

The demarcation of my values escapes me. Like said water constantly changing containers, few things have been constant in my life, all except the help and support of friends. I think about that and realize that I have no reason nor excuse to be negative toward anyone given what I’ve gone through and whose gone through it with me. I’m blessed beyond count, but my ignorance blinds me to no bounds.

I’ve gotten use to throwing myself pity parties and being dramatic. In those moments, I knew of nothing else but that, but I’m glad to be learning other wise. Putting an end to destructive habits and creating positive one’s in their place has taken a lot of personal growth. Growth that wasn’t possible without the help of others.