Wednesday, June 27, 2018

What if I just left

Every once in a while, I find myself thinking about leaving everything behind for a life in which I am not involved in social justice work of any kind. I first think back to the days of when all I would do was just work a dead end job to make a living and enjoy things without thinking twice about ethics or what impact it would have in the world. I also remember how empty that life was and come back to reality. I was visiting family out of state recently and I got a sense for that life again, but this time physically removed from a metropolitan area and out in the boonies. In a state, city, and town that is removed from the outside world in so many ways that it is jarring. I was there for a few days and while I was visiting for fun, I couldn't help but think what if this was my norm now?

I would work a meaningless nine to five job, deal with actual weather, be surrounded by hella white people from that boonies kind of life, and be around my toxic family as an adult vs a youth. I compared that kind of life to what I have here in Los Angeles and it didn't seem that bad anymore. Mind you this was my vacation from work and aside from my family, I didn't have access to any friends, art institutions, cultural events, and other amenities I take for advantage in the city. I didn't bother with checking social media, emails or with whatever was going on in the world that moment the way I normally do here at home and it felt like I was catching my breath. This kind of life wears you out fast, especially everything going on right now, so it's a privilege to be able to reflect for a second and catch yourself. 

I've been reflecting internally a lot these last few months because I just feel frustrated with what I got going on and what I don't have any control over. I've been playing it safe for these last few dacamented years and I feel like something is about to give, one way or another. At the same time, I want to keep growing in what I do, what I love, and what I can share with others to build them up. That becomes more frustrating given the politics of politics and who are deemed worthy of being lifted up and acknowledged in spaces. That's why I contemplate just leaving it all behind and literally distancing myself from everyone and everything, but the trade is just too heavy. For all my frustrations, I'm still able to thrive and survive because of everything I have built up for myself and the different communities I'm a part of. 

Maybe in a few more years I'll actually leave everything behind and go Grizzly Adams it, but for now, I'll just stick around all frustrated and shit.