Monday, March 29, 2010


Full of grief I scream at the wind 
I promised myself somewhere in the teenage life
I'd never submit to the ones I will not be like
Live in a hole
But stay close to my kind
Cause they understand what burns in my mind
I still feel incomplete
Friends are few and far between 

It baffles me to no ends sometimes the randomness that is my life. One moment I'm here doing that and the next I'm here doing this. A constant state of duality going in between worlds in which I'm not a full participant in either. Constantly, that concept of duality runs through my mind because I have yet to learn how to meditate and learn to shut my brain off for a few moments. Anyway, Friday I attended a mixer for journalist, it was a club thing that I attended with a few friends. It was cool. Got a free beer, paid $8 for one and met some cool peeps. This where my head trip comes in. During the course of the mixer, which was strictly a meet and greet thing, I end up meeting someone. We get to talking and in my mind I think to myself, "what the fuck man ? at 23 they've published two books, gotten their masters in journalism, internship at x, y, z" and some other shit I can't remember. 

I take a drink of my beer and again think to myself, what the hell have I been doing with my life ?" I'm 25, still live at home, broke ass, still in community college, gonna spend another 5 years trying to get my B.A. and will be in the same spot more or less a few years from now. Point is I just end up feeling horrible about myself because when I compare myself to others, which is stupid in itself, depresses me to no ends and just turns into a spiral of annihilistic feelings. I hate it. It's a stupid circle and I see it coming, yet I feel the way I do. That, and it thrives and brings out other lingering feelings that I have, that can't go beyond my inner psyche because, well, let's just say I'm not as open as people think. 

This is stupid and redundant. It's that stupid cycle that always comes around when something sparks it. For years I've been dealing with it and yet, I still fall for it, hook line and sinker. One thing I have learned over the years though, is patience. Finding some tranquility amongst the stupidity. It all culminates and blows up, that's what basically happens and boy has it been building up. Unresolved past issues that keep surfacing. Writing is my meditation, I just have a habbit of making it public because it's normal to put my life out there for all to read. Even those who I wish would get out of it, permanently. Alas, there is a point behind this whole rant. 

In meeting that other successful person, comparing myself and what not, I remembered what others have told me and what I have come to realize in these situations. That my life is my own. Comparison only causes grief, jealousy, hate. How can I compare myself to someone when our paths in life, while ending at the same destination, have different routes. They may fly there and I'll take the train ,we'll still end up there in the end. I feel better now. I haven't written anything for a few days that it was just building. Writing is my meditation no doubt. So, I meet this person, they're on  the same wave length as me, but nothing will ever happen beyond the two nights they were here in L.A.

I think to myself that this is the kind of person I'm looking for. The search is over, but nothing happens. So I stop to mediate for a bit, to chew on the fat and I say to myself that it's cool. Would you be happier never having met her or knowing that in this world of infinite possibilities, there are others who share and have the same wave length I strive for. I'm much happier knowing that they're out there and I've met them. I'll get there when I get there. What's the rush right ? I have no regrets about the decisions I've made in my life, they're already made. They can't be changed. To accept them is to move forward and to have the ability to make better decisions. Growth with each and every day. Taking in the sunlight of wisdom, drinking the water of knowledge, bearing the fruits of courage.