Saturday, December 22, 2012

Thoughts on Intentions and Beliefs

"A satirist is someone who has a very skeptical view human nature,
but who still has some optimism to make some sort of joke out of it.
However brutal that joke may be." Stanley Kubrick 
As of late, I've been pondering on my intentions and beliefs in terms of what I have been doing with my life the last few years or so. Things are always moving at such a fast pace, that it's only around the holidays, when the world sort of slows down by default, that I get the opportunity to ponder things through and make some sense of things. With Christmas around the corner and everyone spending time with their families, I'm left with a space to reflect on whether or not I think the intentions and beliefs I have, or lack there of, are helping me as an individual. 

It's only natural that I see things differently than when I first started doing activism and social justice work. But now more than ever, I think back on how I was moving forward little by little doing anything and everything I could, to now not wanting to do anything but be left alone so I can drink a beer in peace and ride my bike. And that's putting it lightly. My intentions and beliefs have made a 180 degree turn since when I first got involved with activism. 

What was once an opportunity to grow, learn, share and fight has now turned into bitter, hateful, spiteful and resentful. I seriously think back of the things I've done and I look at it as if I was making a kind of mistake. But I've learned from all of my experiences, good or bad. I've learned the importance of my individual identity having a solid foundation that I can constantly build on as I grow older. 

But now I question the materials used to build that first foundation and I question whether I should tear the old one out and use better materials to rebuild a new one. Things are confusing right now, and mustering up the patience to adress all the big issues isn't a walk in the park. So much thinking going on. Thinking, thinking, thinking and more thinking. Questioning. 

For sure I'll never reach an answer, it's just the way things are, but I can reach an understanding. I can chose to be more conscious of my intentions and beliefs to continue my growth, but not to the point of having to lie or deny myself something. Everyday I realize that everyone in the movement lies not only to protect, but to move things forward. It's all done in different shape and forms, but I can read the outlines of them here and there. 

I dunno, maybe I'm just turning into a bitter old man who hates everything and always has something to say, even when he knows he should just keep his mouth shut. Whatever the situation, I do know that I have to play office politics with those around me, one way or another. I can't be doing things like I use to, not the same way anyway, but I'll still be doing them. I'll be damned if anyone is going to censor me. 

Aside from all that, it seems I'm still not ready for a relationship. I still have more maturing and growing to do personally before I give another relationship any go. Still, it gets annoying when I notice couples holding hands on train rides or out in the streets. Bah ....