Wednesday, May 02, 2012

What I think vs What I say vs What I do

Last couple of weeks have been put me in a pensive mode, more so than usual. To add to that, I've been catching up on some comics that have also added not only to me being pensive, but just making me think over all. Reading Spider-man: Blue made me feel, well blue. It's a tear jerker for sure and aside from making me dream some weird stuff I can't remember, it just added to the over all ambiguity I'm feeling as of late. The repeating pattern that is my life and being reminded that it has no point. I hate it because I just start questioning things, thinking about the future and making needless comparisons to things and/or others.

I find myself in repetitive moments in which I'm having an ongoing conversation that has lasted six years. I'll run into someone I haven't seen in a while, they ask what I'm doing and I tell them that I'm still at ELAC still trying to transfer outta there. Still trying to make ends meat any way I can working here and there and still doing dream act stuff. Same old song and dance but just a different night and outfit. It fucking depresses the shit outta me sometimes and yet I let it go on. I play my part in the charade by going through the motions. Pantomiming my life away as I do nothing but complain and criticize things as I see them through my narrow and limited view.

I have a fast mouth and I'm use to saying, writing, tweeting and facebooking things before I can process them. I never have or will regret anything I share, but I have acknowledged that it doesn't do anything. Sure, I'm saying whatever I feel like saying, but a while back I started holding back. I knew that sharing certain things would not only be dumb, but also hurtful in the stupidest sense, by being passive aggressive. Hence, I made a contact on my phone with a 3 digit number that I call 'inner tweets.' I wanna say what I wanna say however which way I wanna say it, but I forget that there is something as over sharing.

I'm the first to share something vulgar just for fun and because folks will get a good laugh outta it, but I also know that things can be taken too far and thus far the stuff that has been sent to my 'inner tweets' has been nothing but vileness and hate for things in my life, that I see and feel. The kind of stuff that random people don't need to know about anymore than I like thinking them. Thus far it's helped, my impulse to write down thoughts at a moments whim help me keep track of things that I can flush out later on, much like this blog post.

And even now as I write this, I still hold back what I really feel and think. There's not one person in this world who I've been completely honest with, not to the extent that sometimes I wish I could go to. And maybe that's a good thing. Writing those things out helps, but part of me wants feed back to what I think and feel. Not for validation or to find some sort of answer, but just to hear things from a different perspective. A mouse in a wheel going round and round is how I feel, how I see things and how I live my life. Some days I tend to forget more than others.