Monday, January 19, 2009

Thinking out loud

The last couple of days have been a maelstrom of thoughts and ideas going back and forth. Most of it is the usual stuff, work, school, life and so on but every now and then evil thoughts creep there way into my psyche. That's rooted in my legal residence and the ideas and concepts that follow along. I think about how what I'm going through is nothing compared to what others have gone through for their right to even just live, let alone be part of society.

I forget sometimes that millions have died for greater causes than mine and in comparison, what merit do I have in crying about something as petty as legal residence in this country. I think about how it would be just so easy to quit and give up sometimes, but that's not an option any more. 

In a sense, I know too much and that's one of my problems, I think too much about things when my mind is left free to roam like this. I don't know what it is about me that won't let me be an ignorant, apathetic person who turns a blind eye to what's going on in the world. It's not an experience are quality that can be reproduced, if at all. I've had it tough, but there are others who've had it worse. 

I'm lucky for what I have, friends, family and help from others who sympathize with me and my crusade. I'm thankful for all of that and more, that's part of the reason I do what I do here on my blog, and in the world. Today I saw a a mom and her two kids working the streets selling sliced fruit out on the streets. While the mom did her thing, her two kids kept and eye out for police so they could hide before they get caught. 

Seeing that reminded me of the relationship I have with my parents and how it's similar to theirs. My parents insisted on taking me everywhere with them and when I wasn't in school, I had to be with them at the family business. It was expected of me to help out during my time there, but at 10 years old I wasn't going to help anyone out. My father would scald me for having such a care free attitude and make idle threats. 

However I was worth my weight in gold because I was their personal translator. Everywhere we went and every letter they got that they didn't understand was given to translate and explain to them, even when i didn't know what the hell was going on. That talent alone made me a needed commodity and I never had a real childhood, but then again neither did my parents. They've both been working since they were kids and never stopped. 

Hustling to make ends meat is all they've ever known and it's the only thing they're good at. They've passed down that drive on to me, but it manifested differently in me. I can hustle with the best of them and I'm proud of it, but it's a double edge sword. I hate the fact that I have to hustle just to survive when I could be doing bigger and better things with my time. 

It's frustrating to know that instead of volunteering somewhere I have to waste my time at a stupid job because I need fucking money. Seeing that mom and her kids put everything into perspective again, but not entirely. I have new found spirit to continue on in my personal struggle to help those who are coming after, like those kids I saw today, but there's a bunch of other problems that aren't as easy to solve or even address

All this thinking is driving me crazy for the time being, but I have to figure out things and keep myself in check. It's easy to just say "fuck it" and forget about everything and everyone, life is about struggle. Sometimes I think a struggle that will only come to fruition long after I'm dead.  


Lu said...

Figure out what you need to, just don't let those thoughts paralyze you.

Yes, we will always have to struggle. It is one of the reasons why I dislike the word revolution, it implies change happens in one moment, all of a sudden, and that there is a promised land where everything is perfect. That land does not exist and change happens gradually through the effort of many. Once a goal is achieved, you still have to look around and ask, who are we leaving out? what are we about now?. The idea of revolution prevents that type of responsible self-examination/questioning.

I hope that helps a bit with the sea of thoughts flowing through your mind.

Anonymous said...

I was reading part of your blog...Im going to start reading more. I like it...I like how much frustration and anger you express because I know that I feel that way a lot.

In the post about GANA LA VERDE you talked about what a vile feeling you felt when you came to the realization of what having your status means.
i like that part because i know that a lot of us and by us i mean fellow wetbacks ;) felt the same way. that feeling of i was born in the wrong place and maybe just a little anger at our parents.

but thats exactly reading and others are reading and maybe it does not mean a lot to you but it does to me. your life and struggle are being appreciated...

i totally get it though sometimes it should just be about us.

anyway check out my blog...i might use part of your blog in mine if thats ok

El Random Hero said...

Lu ~ it does help some, thanks. Sometimes just getting simple feed back like that puts me back into place and rethink things more clearly.

Mariposa ~ Thanks for the support and comments. Like your blog, mine is primarily to vent and think outloud sometimes, but I also try to edcate and inform through my personal experiences. And please feel free to use my blog and email me too if you want. I've come to realize that we all need more support and an ear to listen our ramblings.