Monday, November 16, 2009

Role reversal

Rejection is nothing more than life telling u, "I know u wanna go
there, but that's not where you need to b."

It's funny how things work sometimes. Earlier today I texted those
words to a friend after she said she had a fear of rejection. In
particular to her applying to graduate school and getting rejected.
Ever notice how we can help other easier than we can help our selves ?
It's .... Interesting to say the least.

Another friend, the one I use to live with, told me today that his
family is hurting and struggling to get by. They can't affornd to pay
rent a d they're getting despirate. His family isn't undocumented like
mine. They're older and passed that age of working. They don't speak
any English and have no work skills of any kind. With 5 people living
in a small, two bed room house, things are tight to say the least.

I thought about what they go through and my parents popped into my
head. They both the same. No English and almost no work skills, beyond
making their own work. I.E. My mom selling her tamales and my dad
getting work where ever he can. Yet, they manage and we are better off
than my friends family. I really don't know what to make of things
really. They have papers and acres to things we do t have like
services and jobs. Yet, my parents are better off than they are.

Even my friend, who makes really good $$, strugles even though he
lives at home and suppportd his family. His job allows him to do that
and then some, yet I let him borrow money so he can pay a bill.
Although at this point I owe them that and more. It's easy to say that
things are different because of specific details, but in the end it
comes down to family. I just find it odd that a family with resources
to everything we don't have can't make it in this day and age. I know
things get hard, but how can people let it get to that you know.

Another thing that's been bugging me is gender roles. Basically it
goes like, "you are a male and therefore you need to have this and be
this way. You are a female and therefore you need to be this way and
and have this." Yet, as I mentioned this to someone else, I find
myself on the opposite end of the field.

Part of the reasons, not the main mind you, that things didn't work
with the last relationship was because of the reversal of roles. I'm
not a man because I live at home, don't make money, don't have a
college degree (yet) and other things that of that nature that would
constitute my masculinity. My words here. Because I'm not "this way"
things don't work.

So, I find myself the odd man out here being cut by a double edge
sword. My experiences being undocumented have taught me lessons that
take years to learn and I have reached a point in my life in where I
know what I want and what I am looking for. Yet, being undocumented
bars me from reaching those goals and accessing my full potential. And
so the problem is fused with the answer.

Basically, And not to be cocky or boastful or anything here :-P, I
have become self aware of the fact that I am the kind of guy that
women look for. Sensative, caring, romantic, thoughtful, blah, blah,
blah etc. yet .... all I lack is the economic support to back it up.
Interesting no ?

People judge you by how much you have and can give. It's human nature.
To seek out the best partner to mate with and reproduce. To seek out
the best provider for yiu and your would be children. It's primal
really. At this point in my life, I'm the monkey in the back eating
bugers while the alpha male empregnates and beats all the other female
monkeys. I have come to a conclusion, people are shallow not matter
how much education they have or how much they think they've unlearned
that bull shit.

So my question to myself now is do I find the middle ground ? Do I
make an effort to have extra $$ to take a date out and not go broke ?
Wear clothes that are a little nicer and make me look a little nicer ?
Do I forget/ignore my writing and community services and focus on just
getting $$, a place of my own, a car and papers while I'm at it ?

There inlays the problem. I'm the way I am because I don't strive or
want those things, yet I need them to be happy, supposably, and to
attract a partner. Hmmm .... To be alone and happy with my life or two
slave away for things and end my lonelyness. Quite the dilly of a
pickle yes ? Well the answer is simple, I need papers. That is all.

~ con safos ~


loveandhatela said...

Oh damn we all go through feelings and times like that- no matter if you are undocumented or not.
As ive entered my 3rd decade of life i think i have gained some knowledge and wisdom from my past experiences.

Sabes first off- in a relationship sense- you cannot ask for what you yourself are not giving.
Secondly it is not just about the physical and looks though thats what first gets our attenttion and attracts us.
But as you get older you also want the balance and harmony that includes the emotional and intellectual connection with that other person.

And like i told my mom- most of my friends are like me middle class.

Yes i have a few acquaintances that are well to do aka rich or trust fund spawn lol but for the most part we as people usually stick with people within our own common socio economic level.

Just the other day i got an invite from one of those trust fund spawn acquaintances for a weekend trip in Palm Springs after thanksging.

I had to decline because first i am not in the position financially to spend money freely on trips,(sure the accomodations would be free but it did not include food and activities which cost money) that is not a need rather a want.

So maybe another time- for now i will work happily this holiday break.

Pachuco 3000 said...

Everyone, not just men, but women also need to be able to support themselves and carry their own weight per se.
That is very different from thinking what you own makes you a good person or thinking because you got stuff you are desirable.
Standing on your own two feet and not worrying about where or how the next meal is coming from is something we should all be able to enjoy. Many do this with or without papers.
Honestly I think you like this because you have wrapped yourself in this so much it has become all you know. This is not the real you. This is just a situation. The real you is someone else who does not see obstacles and doesn't back down from being independent.
Pity parties get boring real fast.
Yes people group with those of similar backgrounds.
Yes people look to see if you can keep up and carry your weight, cuz if you can't they don't necessarily want to or need to help you, when you choose to remain in a situation that many have overcome.
I see so much potential in you. But at the same time you see so much stopping you, you write about it almost exclusively, and that potential is being wasted on playing it safe. There is no gain without sacrifice.
Also if you don't love yourself, everything about yourself, how can anyone love you. You need to see the light that is always there and stop looking for what is not there, papers. And still rise.

buddha said...

Damn, Pachuco just put it down. What he said is very true. I think most of us that read your blog see an intelligent young man with alot of potential. All you see is closed doors.

Listen to Pachuco he has words of wisdome for you.