Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Vehemently Stagnate Repetition

Deaths. Since the beginning of the year, friends and family of friends have been transitioning from this world. Some have been fighting it and others have been leaving unexpectedly. The feelings of being lost at times like these, been powerless and only being able to offer your energy and heart to those going through these transitions seems insignificant, but really there's nothing we can do. We are all going to leave this world one day, nothing is forever and attachment only leads to inevitable sorrow.

I've never been close enough to anyone in my family or friends. I accepted long ago the futility of trying to hold on to what was never mine to begin with. Dia de los Muertos and it's traditions have facilitated some understanding of they way things are. Everyone will eventually leave, but the worst thing that can happen is that your loved ones will never remember you, but I guess being forgotten is everyone's greatest fear really. How can you exist if no one knows about you.

With all of this going on, every day problems have been over shadowed by the splash of cold water I received to the face. For too long now, I've felt like I haven't moved forward in any kind of way. In fact, I feel like I've gone backwards in the last year or so. Things are like they were before, were I was hungry to do things. To prove myself and do work. Now, I just find myself throwing rocks at the glass window I live in. Much like the Radiohead that's been stuck in my head, I'm realizing that it's getting to the point of self destruction.

I'm no longer creating or growing like I was before. Picking things from others, learning to do old things in new ways. Instead I find myself being grifted. This cannot continue, not if I am to continue growing as an individual, writer and organizer. Even with all the things that I do in my life to keep me busy, all the chisme I entertain myself with and the continued struggle to make it through another month. It's all become repetitive. I'm no longer happy [ was I ever? ] with my life and I want and need to change it. I want to leave my bubbles and circles for new experiences. I wanna miss this repetition, but it doesn't look like it'll happen anytime soon.

In the mean time, I'll need to figure something out. Talk to someone, cry it out, do something. I can't stand it any more. The last time I was in a circle like this, was when graduated high school and worked as a fruit/shaved ice vendor. Every fucking day would be the same god damn thing. I'd sell ice, read comics, eat and go home. Rinse, lather, repeat. I'd like to blame my status for all this drama, but that record got old long ago and crying wolf all the time is just plain annoying. But something must be done.