Friday, August 14, 2009


Yeah it's one of those days. I think part of the reason for this is
because I don't work as much and because I'm outta school. So an idle
mind is a bad thing. It's not healthy to think so much when you think
negative things all day. So as I sit here all teary eyed at the
frustrations in my life sitting next to Harly hearing her pant from
the heat, I stare at her and smile. Her unconditional love and
affection steer my thoughts away from the negativity in not only my
life, but life in general.

Today is a rather frustrating day. I want it to be Sunday so I can be
on my way back home to see my family. I want to be with them again
because even though we have our beefs, family is family. It's one of
those days were everything falls apart and I break down from the
frustration of having to be an undocumented resident in a country that
is, more or less, blaming undocumented residents on the nations

You feel that everyday of course but today, at least for me, I feel it
now more than ever. Frustration beyond description. A younger me would
punch random things to get out those frustrations, but alas. A broken/
injured hand is the last thing I need right now. No I don't have to do
that anymore. The great thing about getting older is that you also get
wiser, yet that doesn't help one bit right now.

Often, in times of frustration like this, I think about what I can do.
You know, the possibilities in front of me and what they could all
mean for the future. It's weird to because I was suppose to work
today, but through a miss understanding, I'm not. Thus here I am.
Depressed and writing about it because it needs some sort of out let.
I read about the suffering going on in the world. Families in the
middle east lossing loved ones to warfare and my dilema doesn't
compare. It's that disconnect that allows me to feel apathy for others
when things could be worse for me.

Yes, things could be worse. How can we experience and appreciate the
heights of joy when we've never lived through the depths of grief. No,
no quote, line, verse or anything can aliveate the way I feel. All I
can do is hide it, just as everyone else does. Hide what we don't want
them to see so that life can go along as it always does. It's not fun
being the sad guy in the group. So, it's better to go at it alone.

The frustration comes from feeling so powerless and out of control.
Not in control of my life and not in control of my circumstances. Ohh
how I long for the feeling of normalcy. To not know what I know and be
oblivious to that which is outta my reach. Window shopping is never
fun. Neither is living your life that way. Bleh.

~ con safos ~